i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
