I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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