he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
