I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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