Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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