Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
