I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
