how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
