haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
