Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
