Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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