My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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