Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize