Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
