I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
