I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm always down for nudity.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
