I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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