She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
