Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
