I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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