A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
