I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
