Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
