six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize