1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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