o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
