I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
