Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
