Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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