i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
