My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
