What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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