Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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