I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
