Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
