I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
