I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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