some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
