my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
