i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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