she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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