Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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