Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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