Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize