Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
