Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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