so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he was CRYING into my vagina
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
