waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
