Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
