jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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