my mouth tastes like poor choices
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
