Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
