your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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