I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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