my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
