i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
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