Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm bleeding and have questions
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