i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
