that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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