Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
