dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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