I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize