I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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