Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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