If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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