So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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